


Ride of the Valkyries

by monaboyd_archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-05
Updated: 2003-12-05
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monaboyd_archivist/pseuds/monaboyd_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dom runs into trouble with Billy over his overuse of his cell phone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ride of the Valkyries

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Shirasade: this story was originally archived at the Monaboyd.net Archive, which was closed in September 2014 due to software issues and a lack of new submissions for several years. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2014. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the Monaboyd.net Archive collection profile.

…Heart’s thumpin, muscles twitchin, the roarin of blood dying off in your ears and of course, that sticky feeling as you lay next to your lover and try hard to recapture your breath. Ahhh, all the terrific things that remind a person they just had one helluva smashing mind fuckin orgasm.

“Billy”

“Yeah?”

“Billy…count my toes”

“Dom…why?”

“Cuz I can’t feel me toes, I’m sure you blasted them off me, mate”

“Dom ya idiot, yeh got all yer toes still.”

Moments pass. I still feel alternately twitchy and all blissed out from being fucked by Billy. Fascinating how he can lay so still beside me, I watch the hairs rise and fall on his chest…that’s how I know he is still alive.

“Dom”

“Yeah?”

“Dommie…is the top of mah head still on?”

“Trust me Bills, its still there.”

“ Oh good then.”

The dulcet tones of my mobile phone chose that moment to ring the first notes of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries. Loudly. Both Billy and I are rather startled by it.

“Jaaysusfookinchyrrrrrrrryyst Dom, turn the fookin thing off!”

It continues to ring and Billy continues to swear as we both search for it. Luckily I find it somewhere in the vicinity of my wadded up jeans at the foot of the bed before Billy does. Last time Billy found it first and it ended up swimin in the loo. He’s not too fond of them, tolerates `em barely in fact.

“Ello….Hiya Doodle! Billy, its Doodle!

“Nooo, really? Elijah of the magic bloody timing…”

“ Hey mate, hows it goin? Billy, Lij says to tell you `ello.”

“Nice of him. Tell him ‘ello right back”

“Oh yeah, well, ermm Bills right here beside me. Yes, you guessed it, ya cunt”

“Oh fine” muttered Billy as he rolled over onto his stomach “Ah reckon ye’ll be tellin him next that we just fooked”

“Well neither of us is dressed at the moment but we could probably join ya in around an hour’s time…Yeah, we just did…I thought I’d bloody well lost me toes this time!”

“Oh shite” groaned Billy burying his head under a pillow.

My conversation with Elwood at a close I gave Billy’s arse a nice slap as I get out of bed. That slap nearly does me in as I see Billy give a provocative wiggle of that delectable arse but then he is up and headed to the shower before I can jump him. Too slow Monaghan!

A little over an hour later we are seated outdoors at a lovely restaurant Elijah swears makes the best omelets in LA. Elijah is wound up and waving his arms as he describes a script he is considering. Billy is quiet, seems content enough just to bask in the sun and listen to the two of us go on. Very peaceful this spot. Little dribblin tinkly waterfall in the garden corner feeds into a nice koi pond. Beautiful breeze. Warm sunlight. My two best mates beside me. Life is good.

My mobile breaks the peace and calm to send the Valkryries riding off into the sky.  
‘Er, excuse mates…it’s my agent”

I manfully try to ignore the baleful glare Billy gives my direction, but I notice he settles into chatting with Elijah and stealing the mushrooms off my omelet. I forgive him a few mushrooms in exchange for a few minutes of talking to my agent; it’s a small price to pay for interrupting our breakfast. The call is concluded a few minutes later, but by that time it’s too late to save my mushrooms. Billy has stolen them all.

“Fuckin bloody mushroom thief!”

“Ach, Merry, is that anyway ta talk to yer Pip?” Billy bats his eyes in what he apparently believes is a winsome expression at me…. trouble is, I’d find it entrancing if I didn’t spy the last of my mushrooms sitting on his plate. Just as my fork begins a duel with his fork over the stolen mushrooms Elijah’s cell goes off blaring some truly wild clarion call. Billy stops cold, I grab the mushrooms, plus Billy’s last shrimp and manage to stuff them all in my mouth before Billy can stop me. Yum.  
Unfortunately, it’s at that very minute that my phone sets the Valkyries in motion once more.

Before I can grab it off the table, Billy is lunging for it, but Elijah is quicker and grabs it for me. So now I am on the phone with Billy giving both of us a steely glare. He begins a mumbled tirade that only a Scottish mum could decipher…but I do get a few words: fook, mobile, fookin, wanker, bloody fookinfooked, fookin Dom…ahhh well, I needn’t listen to anymore.

Elijah and I both manage to conclude our calls at the same time and we both manage to give the same guilty look of apology to our good mate, Billy. Just to be smart, I tuck my mobile into my jean pocket; Elijah tucks his into his jacket. Billy gives one of his big sighs of the suffering dammed in hades before he speaks to both of us.

“Look, Ah understand the need to stay in touch…but Ah swearrr yeh both take it too bloody far. These fookin bloody mobiles interrrrrrrupt life at every turn!”

“Billy…Billy…you are exaggerating…”

‘Ohh Dom, am Ah neoww? Just these past thrrrree days, yer phone has interrrrrupted almost every meal we’ve eaten. It’s woke us up outa sound sleep. Nay, let meh ahmend that statement..Its awoke MEH outa sound sleep. And then yeh nearly swiped a bus yestidey as yeh were yammerin away…that nearly made meh piss mah pants it was such a close one! And you!’ Billy took this moment to swing toward Elijah “YOU, have the most amazzzziin timing!”

“ I…I…do?” Elijah squeaked like a trapped mouse, but then I’d probably squeak if I had Billy fix those angry green eyes on me like that too…

“Aye, aye ye dooo. Three times. That’s three times outa the five times Dom and Ah have fooked recently, It’s been yeh that chose to call us at the most inopportune time! Noo! FOUR times! Ahh forgot the time yeh called when Dom and Ah were in the shower. Ahh nearly got strrrangled in the curtain as Dom went for the call, ya grrrreat bloody yank wanker…”

There are moments in life when you just have to laugh. Times when you shouldn’t. For better or for worse, Elijah and I chose this very moment to burst out in giggles.

“Dom. Elijah…Ah no think Ah’m bein amusin”

“You said yank wanker…”  
I couldn’t help but chortle at the very sound of it even as I notice Billy is Very Perturbed.

“Yeah,..yank…wanker…yankwanker. Fuck that’s good Billy”  
Elijah is nearly helpless as he giggles. Elijah is not helping any. Silly bugger makes me laugh more. Bloody yank wanker!

Billy opens and closes his mouth a couple times before finally giving up and laughing along with us. It becomes one of those silly moments, a moment so funny so utterly stupid that you’ll never be able to explain it to anyone. All that stuff about the mobiles, then calling Elijah a yank wanker ooohhh that’s a good one, plus just listenin to Elijah giggle, Ohh it hurts we laugh so much.…We finally settled down, and were back in the midst of a good conversation when it happened.

My phone went off.

All three of us froze and stared at each other. Then just as I was reaching for my pocket I saw Billy’s hand also dive for my pocket. Two hands in one tight jean pocket must make for an interesting picture, especially when one of them is a most determined Scotsman . I squirmed against his attack and did my level best to resist his assault on my person as those bloody Valkyrie bitches rode out. In the assault both our chairs went over and Billy ended up on top of me…not a bad position under normal circumstances, even my Weasel, ever the opportunist, began to stir. Somehow Billy managed to wrench my defending hand out of the pocket and emerge with the offending cell phone. He gave me a look of wild feral triumph before giving it a high pitch in the direction of the garden pool; Elijah tried and failed to intercept it. Just like in slow motion it sailed on…and up….then down…down…

Kerplunk.

“ Awww Billy…that was the second one this week!”

“Dom, Ah don’ fookin care.”

Oi but he is looking like a right smug bastard now. I grudgingly allow him to help me back to my feet. I can’t help but notice Elijah eyes are looking fairly wild as he is clutching his right jacket pocket, phone inside, like it‘s the One Ring and Billy has suddenly morphed into Sauron.

I wander over to the pond and stare down at my phone that is quietly sinking to the bottom of what looks like an algae and fungi farm. Ewww. Sigh. Ahh well, serves me right for not listening to Billy when he is perturbed. This is as good a moment as any to make our goodbyes, pay the waitstaff and move along.

Back in the car Billy gives me a sorrowful look as he places his hand on my upper thigh. Clever placement of the hand but I am not so easily mollified. Rubbing my thigh softly he clears his throat, looks down then back up at me with those soulful green orbs.  
“Dom…”

I’m not talking.

“Dom, Ah’m sorry.”  
Rub the thigh, rub the thigh…oooo hand slips down to inner thigh. Ignore his hand! Ignore! Danger! Danger!

Still not talking…but its getting difficult.

“Yeh jest have nooo ideah what those phones dooo…”

Not talking…soooo not talking…erk….gawd that hand is magic!

“Those little cell cunts go off at the worst fookin time…jest think…”

Ignore…Ohhhh fuckinbloodydamm…he is unzippin me.

“…they kill the moment…and yeh know the moment Ah speak of…”  
Big green eyes pour out waves of contrition toward me…his hands do a seductive dance

Not taaaalk ….Oh he’s rubbing Weasel now…and Weasel dammbuggerrhim…gahhh…

“ Buh.. Buhh..Bill…… Buhh Billlllly”  
Is that my voice? Did I make that choked sound? Just slap me now.

“…after hearrring them damm Nordic bitches zoom off overr n’overr, Ah couldn’t control mehself…”

Whatever ya do Billy…don’t stop stroking..gah…strrrrrrrroookkinnn fuck.

“Dom, ken yeh forgive yer Billy? Let meh show yeh how sorry Ah amm…”

I pulled the BMW over into a deserted parking lot and let him show me. It is just so utterly fascinating how the words “forgive me, sorry” sound so erotic when they are spoken, licked or slurped directly onto my Weasel. And then, oooooohhh that hot mouth. That hot, wet mouth that engulfs me completely. I feel my toes begin to curl ready for take off…

Just as I am ready to shoot my toes into space and let Weasel do some serious shouting, Billy takes that moment to slither up my body and latch onto my ear. I say latch but what I mean is that he has consumed my ear into his lava-hot mouth. Fuuuuccckkkkles…

“Dom, take meh home. Take meh home and fook meh. Make meh scream like a Valkyrie for yeh.”

Billy NEVER has to ask something like that twice. We set a new land record getting home and into the door before we get to do the wild monkey dance of love on the front room sofa.

And on the kitchen table

And on the stairs…

Somewhere between the front room sofa and our bed I seemed to have lost my toes again.

A few days later:

I’m in our bedroom chatting with Elwood on my new mobile

“Yeah Elijah I got a brand new one. Top of the line in fact. The store clerk kept telling me how powerful it is. Yep. Bollocks. Not gonna let him toss this one…. Alright…. Give me a call later tonight mate why doncha?…Right…Ta, then.”

A brand new mobile. Nice shiny and all mine. I plan to keep it on vibrate just so Billeh won’t hear it and won’t wrestle it away from me like last time. Must keep one step ahead of that crafty bugger.

“Dom, yeh get that kilt for tonight?” Billy entered the room with his kilt over his arm.

“Billy, I really don’t fancy wearing a kilt”

“Dom, yeh must…for tonight”

I can see Billy eyeing my phone. Must make a diversion.

“Bills, they really look best on you…you’ve got the sweetest kneecaps”

“Yeh…uh…ermmm, thanks Dom…Ah think.” Billy has a perplexed look on his face but its not for long.

“Wait on here Dom, yeh’ve no kilt and Ah see yeh got another mobile in yer hand. Yeh no brrrrrrrrringin that fookin thing wit us tonight, yeh ken?

Now he is giving me a very steely look. Do I argue against the kilt and for the mobile? That’s a no win situation. Think Monaghan, think.

“ I just can’t wear a kilt Billy, its just not me” I give Billy my most charming devil look “I prefer to go commando with denim over Weasel not wool. Besides you know…”

“No sheep jokes Monaghan!”

“No, no, I was just gonna add that I think you look very handsome in your kilt. I personally know that Nesseh is even more handsome goin commando under your kilt”

I took this moment to step up right next to Billy and slide my hand between us.

“Dom, doncha be windin me up when we are needin to be gettin ready” Billy smoothly sidestepped around me and put his kilt and all the rest of his Scottish rubbish on the bed.  
“ Now, bout this mobile in yer hand, Dom….”  
“Bills, I won’t use it during the event, but I really do need to keep it near me for after…”

“Dom”

“I won’t turn it on…promise!”

I don’t know what it is but he just does not look convinced by anything I say. Strange. My mum used to give me the identical expression. Very strange.

“Look Bill…what if I put it in…in…what’s that fuzzy purse thingie of yours called again?”

“Meh sporrrrrrrrrrran and its no purse, ya great daft tosser!”

“Alright, alright mate, your ssspoooorrrrraaaaaaaaaannn then. I’ll just put it in there and YOU can then hold it for me. I won’t be tempted to turn it on if you have it”

“Fine then. Yeh do that while Ah step inta the shower…don’t be too slow”

He steps into the bath while I work the latch on his, his…pursethingie. Difficult tricky thing this latch, but I get it open and drop the mobile inside. Damm this latch. The latch is soon a thought of the past when I hear him issue this delightful invite:

“Dom….why doncha join meh in the shower eh?

 

A few hours later:

Billy and I are comfortably seated at our Scottish culture/charity event. I find myself surrounded by a sea of handsome men in wooly kilts but despite a wandering eye towards a few of them, Billy is still the finest thing in a kilt around. I’ve seen more than a few men and women gaze at his pretty arse tonight. Mine, I tell ya, mine!

This pompous MC is now droning on about some such thing and then…it happens. Billy sat straight up in the seat, his eyes looking quite wild, his hands are clutching the sporran. He stared toward my direction, his eyes all buggy and unfocused.

“Dommmmmmmmmm” He fairly hisses at me

“Dommm, its movin!” He gasps, his voice goes up a pitch and he is fairly squirming in his seat.

And then stopped. Billy suddenly slumped in his seat. A look of relief passes over his face.  
“Dom, Yer bloody phhh…” He suddenly straightens up in the seat again, the look of wild incredulity taking him over.

“What are you going on about mate?”

Billy looks like he could launch into the next hot dance, trouble is, we are in the midst of an opera hall, not a dance arena. People are beginning to notice the man who looks like he is trying to detach a part of his body while he is still trying to maintain some sort of demented dignity. It suddenly occurs to me what is possessing Billy….my mobile is going off…and its on vibrate. Its in his sporran and its vibrating right over…Ohmygod, its vibrating Nesseh!

‘OhhhJayzzzzzzzzzusssfoooooooooookinnnnnnnnn…nnnnggnnhhh…”

I see Billy arch and then clutch violently for the armrest. It’s like watching a train wreck about to happen. It’s terrible and fascinating at the same time. You can’t move to stop it. Its my turn to gasp as I see him fairly fling himself out of his chair and gyrate across the laps of the three strangers that block his freedom to the aisle. I have the good sense to get up and follow him as he staggers in the most frenzied way out of the hall.

I catch up to him on the other side of the door and he is sprawled out on the floor gasping like a fish. I kindly help him back up on his feet. He shoots me the most accusatory look.

“Dom…yeh planned this”

“ No Billy,.no….honest…lets just remove it from your purse why don’t we?”

‘Its meh sporrrrrrrrran, not a bloody purse! Its all part of meh kilt!”

He struggles with the sporran’s clasp for a few minutes before throwing himself down onto a nearby leather bench. He sprawls in the most undignified way for a man in a kilt.

“Stuck. Fookin thing is stuck”

“ Let me help you…” I reach forward to see what I can do when I hear a loud “Harumphish” noise and I notice three little grannies giving us the evil eye across the way.

“Dom, this init helpin”

Just as I am about to suggest something else I see the transformation of Billy once more. Eyes go all wide, mouth drops open, hands clutch his sporran/Nesseh/lap. Then he makes a fateful mistake…he convulsively closed his legs  
“Nooooooooooooo…..”

I have to chase after him clear outside. Billy is quite the sight. Clutching his sporran and howling he runs at a semi-crouch. Occasionally he looks as if like mini bolts of lightening strike him. He ran around the parking lot twice before I could stop him. I can still hear his shrieks even now. Of course, he is still pissed that I’m still laughing about it all.

A week later:

“Ooooo restraints! I love when ya get all manly and tie me up Billy!”

“ Right. Ah have a special evenin planned for yeh tonight ya cheeky wanker”

Billy has me tied up in our bed. Very clever too…I struggle prettily just for his lustful enjoyment. Weasel is a happy beastie as he sits up and looks like he is beggin for his sweet Nesseh to come callin. I love it when Billy gets this masterful.

“Dom, Ah have a surprise for yeh. Ah had a chat wit a lady friend of ours, verra clever lass she is. Anyway, she gave meh the address to the most interestin’ of stores. Place called Good Vibrations. …Lookit what Ah got for yeh Dommie!”

He held up what could best be described as a large wand with a bulbous end and a long cord…Electrical cord. Plugged in.

“Tis the Wonder Vibrator Wand 5000…now letssee what happens when it discovers some of yer more tender parts Dommie. Ah wonder what yer Weasel will think .”

I discovered that the Devil and Billy have a lot in common that night. Ohh yes…I also discovered that I have all sorts of pitch to my voice, especially when he makes me shriek. There are also some positions he managed to help me discover that I don’t think are even in the Karma fuckin Sutra. Fuck only knows where my toes went.

And I never did find that mobile.


End file.
